i was originally going to do an all-nighter but i like to sleep too much

 hello, lovelies!

i know i made a post about some of the movies i'd be watching in october, but i wanted to make a dedicated post to the movies i watched during my halloween marathon that i had on october thirty-first!

this is gonna be kind of a longish post, so i'm going to get right on into it!

october passed me by

hello, lovelies!

and so another month has come and gone, so i bring you my october wrap-up! a lot of things happened this month, and i'm very excited to see what november will bring me.

everybody scream

 hello, lovelies!

i just wanted to say happy halloween and i hope you all have a good night, whether it's a horror movie marathon, handing out candy to the trick-or-treaters, partying and living it up, or simply just having a night in!

stay spooky, and treat people with kindness (or whatever harry styles said).

until next time!

xoxo

update: i am bisexual and also in love with a fifty-year-old man! and i'm not ashamed of it!

 i finally watched ready or not because i really wanted to watch ready or not 2 because i'm madly in love with kathryn newton AND i think shawn hatosy is hot. unfortunately i think i may just be bisexual, as that old man who's quite literally my father's age is just super hot to me. all respect to his wife, of course. but goddamn...

ANYWAYS i really liked ready or not and i LOVED ready or not 2. they reminded me of you're next, which is one of my favourite thriller films (the first time i watched any of it, i was nine and my dad put it on since he, my mom, my cousin, and her then boyfriend were out there and wanted to watch a movie. my mom was detangling my hair, and if you don't know the first scene of the film, it's a couple having sex. that was my first exposure to it, actually. well, second, actually. the first was earlier the same year when my dad was watching me for the first time and he asked if i wanted to watch a tv show with him. i said sure, and we proceeded to watch the first episode of series one of black mirror. if you know, you know. thanks, dad). if i had a nickel for each time a thriller film used bonnie tyler's hit song total eclipse of the heart as the soundtrack to a sick fight sequence that ended up being my favourite part of the movie, i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it's happened twice. 

i've also come to realize that radio silence (the directorial team behind both ready or not films as well as the thriller abigail from a couple years back) might be some of my favourite directors. i loved abigail when i saw it with my dad (also name reveal! my name is abigail, but louise is my middle name! i just prefer to go by louise in most online spaces), and i adored the ready or not films. i can't wait to see what they do next, as well as check out their other stuff.

last year i was sneezing yarn fibers

 hello, lovelies!

relearning to knit has been... interesting, to say the least. i finally thought i had everything i needed: regular straight needles, circular needles, a tapestry needle, yarn. but no. i now need double pointed needles so i can make a beanie easily, apparently. or socks. i would LOVE to make myself some socks, but i don't have any of the right stuff. i don't have wool yarn or double pointed needles. i don't know the complicated stiches, i apparently can't count past ten accurately. it's madness. free me.

crochet is, in my opinion, much easier. i can do it without looking at my work. the only downside is the sheet amount of yarn each project takes. but, thankfully, i do have quite a lot of yarn thanks to my sister giving me all her yarn and tools. shout out to her. i love you, belle. thank you, belle.

this post doesn't have a point or a purpose. i'm just writing it as a form of procrastination because i have to work on my grandma's christmas gift because i refuse to be working on things in the middle of december again. i'd only do that if it was something that wasn't complicated to make, like a scarf or a beanie. or like... i don't know. the only thing i want to be working on is my own personal project that has taken me years at this point: the apple blanket.

i've spoken about the apple blanket before, and i will never stop talking about it. so far i have like... i want to say seventy-five squares that are about five inches by five inches, and i still don't have enough for the blanket size i want. i also have decided that i don't really want to finish the back all that much, so i want to add fabric to the back of it so it's almost like a quilt. past me really was out of her mind when she decided this. "louise, you haven't gotten that far yet, so you don't have to do it!" i hear you all saying. i wish you were right. because i've already decided and said that i would do that, if i scrap that idea i'll go crazy. i just can't not complete the project the way i want to. besides, it's for me so it's fine.

i've run out of nonsense to talk about, which means i have to get back to working on my grandma's gift. sigh. at least i won't run out of red yarn any time soon.

OH i also wanted to thank all the wonderful bloggers who have mentioned or linked my blog on their pages! you're all so sweet, and i'm so glad you like my blog enough to post a link to it on your own pages.

i love you all! until next time!

xoxo

p.s. here's some more things i've made!

a bag of flower granny squares
i gave my grandma

a bandana and headband
i made for lizzy's sisters

panties meant to be a
bookmark

the current squares for
the apple blanket
also in a pale green and yellow

breaking news: i have no friends and will be spending halloween all alone!

 this just in: my parents will be out of town on halloween. if i were a different person, one with confidence and beauty, and if i had more than two friends, i'd throw a party. instead, i'll scare the fuck out of myself and watch horror movies all night and eat the candy that trick-or-treaters don't take. i've never even been to a party like the ones every teenager and young adult goes to. i'll probably ask my father to get me alcohol before they leave so i can have at least a little bit of a good time, even if i'm alone.

i wish i were someone else entirely

 hello, lovelies!

i realized it's been a minute since i posted a piece of creative writing, so i wanted to do that! i posted this one on my substack a few months ago, but i wanted to post it here since... well, because i just wanted to and totally not because i'm embarrassed of my other works i have that i've not posted so this was my best solution. totally not that. i want to get back into writing again, so if i do i'll be posting some of those pieces, but for now, all i have are some old bits and bobs that i feel either indifferent about or hate because i'm embarrassed to have written something i deem poor and mediocre. well, no matter. here's something, i suppose.

manic pixie dream girl

i stay up late to mourn the girl i could have been. i see her in other girls on the street, in films and on television. i see her in my friends. i see her in my sister. free. happy. content. loved. she doesn't feel like an intruder in her own home, like a swine wearing the skin of a person, desperately trying and failing to be beautiful. she doesn't think that she is a burden, that she is inherently unwanted. she laughs without care, dances with the moon under amber lamp light. she travels and lives in the moment, lets herself be carried by the breeze. she is a lover. she is unattainable. she does not exist.

i'm a sexy mouse, DUH

 hello, lovelies!

with halloween approaching, i was wondering what you're all dressing up as (if you're participating in that aspect of the holiday, of course). i haven't dressed up in about ten years, but i've loved toying with the idea of dressing as a vampire. i'm talking long black dress, cloak, teeth, and all. i've been collecting different parts of the costume for years now; i have teeth of varying sizes (including those typical shitty ones that everyone has had at one point or another. i was a bit tipsy when i tossed them in my cart at spirit...) i have some jewelry and some makeup, as well as a dress, but i still would like to maybe zhuzh it up a bit once i get better at sewing. i also would like to get some more makeup, specifically face paints in my skin tone and white so i could make myself paler than i already am, as well as a powder face palette of dark gothic colours. someday. i've also wanted to dress as a clown. like one of those sad ones. that's another reason why i want to get white face paint, but i'd also ideally get a whole palette of creams so i can have the makeup be vivid. ANYWAYS

well, that's all. just me asking what you're all dressing as and then going off track to talk about my longstanding dream of dressing as a vampire someday once i collect all the aspects of the dream costume like the infinity stones. or a sad clown, so the outside can finally match the inside.

until next time!

xoxo

dancing, walking, rearranging furniture

hello, lovelies!

if you notice that some things look different here, that's because they are! i'm doing a little redecorating, and i'm planning out my winter theme and what i'll have here, so if you all see that things look different within the next few weeks, that's why!

i hope you're all doing well, and if you ever want to talk to, or even if you just need someone to listen, i'm always here. i know what it's like to feel like you're at the lowest you can possibly be. remember, you are loved.

just a mini update, since i'm still getting jumped in an applebees parking lot by this stupid cold. oh well. i'm also officially back on hinge, and so far it's been good. i think. i don't really know how to flirt with women, so i hope i'm doing things right.

on the bright side, i started cleaning my depression pit (better known as my desk), so that's good. still a mess, though, don't get me wrong. but it's mostly just bowls now, as i threw out the trash last night. i also got started on my grandma's christmas gift. it's something i've made before, so it shouldn't take me too long. but i need to figure out what i'm gonna do for literally everyone else. maybe i could make belle a cute little cardigan... and for lizzy i can make her... something (i won't say what because she does have access to this blog, so if you're reading this... girl go to class!!)

well, that's all for this post for today. i love you all, and we'll talk later. until next time!

xoxo

p.s. here's a plushie i made for my grandma's birthday gift last month.

ain't he cute? i'm glad i'm getting better at making stuffed animals. i've also made a freehanded lorax that now watches over lizzy's dorm at school, and a freehanded dinosaur for my little cousin for his birthday earlier this year. though, the project i'm most proud of is a full size blanket i made for lizzy for christmas.

the lorax

the dinosaur

the snoopy blanket.
took me three months of nonstop
single crochets and tears

they don't call it seasonal depression for nothing; but what makes it so seasonal if it's year round?

 i've been falling back into depression again. i mean, it could be worse. i could be... "taking it out on myself" again, i guess. i don't know. when i get depressed i put myself in a corner and push people away from me because the wallowing in my sadness feels good at some point, i think. i'm trying to get better at not doing that, but it's hard. i think i should just go to bed. but i can't sleep. i haven't slept more than three hours in the past three days. i'm tired. god bless the chemical imbalances in my brain, i suppose.

sorry for getting weird again, guys. i love you all. talk to you later. <3

engagement party chaos

 hell, lovelies!

this weekend was a lot. i'm sick, i have an open wound on the back of my ankle, i'm breaking out, and i found a white hair on my head. i think it's best to start with friday.

i feel like im in eighth grade with the way i'm crying over an online am i gay quiz result (nick nelson) by fall out boy

 hello, lovelies!

i want to apologize for the semi radio silence recently, a lot of things have been happening this past week. lizzy is coming tomorrow to stay for the weekend while we get things set up for belle's engagement party on sunday, so i'm super excited to see her. she's also bringing her partner, who i haven't seen in a hot minute, so it'll be nice to see them again, too! and of course you all are aware of my recent reevaluation of myself that's sent me into a spiral; still spiraling, might take a couple "am i a lesbian?" quizzes so i can finally get a definitive answer. i'm trying to incorporate my humor into my posts more, as i've been told i'm funny; it's just a little hard getting the same vibe across through text, as my humor relies on my deadpan deliveries.

well, i just wanted to give you all a little update as proof of life. love y'all! until next time!

xoxo

i might be a lesbian, i'm not sure. here's a cookie to eat while we ponder together.

 i just love when i spiral into a crisis over my sexuality and spend the night reanalyzing my feelings and whether or not i've been living a lie for the past three years. don't you guys love when that happens, too?

learning about love the hard way

hello, lovelies!

i return with another piece of writing i did a few years back. i was very emo, and very depressed at the time of writing this, but i'm better now! i mean, i'm still emo and depressed, but not to the same levels i was when i wrote this. this one is about a girl.

sometimes (or, art room)

sometimes i still wish you were to one that i got to come home to

that you were the one that i could give all my love to

because god knows i hold far too much love in my body,

and it pours over from my heart

it bleeds through the palms of my hands when i stroke my lover's face

it seeps from my eyes when i feel far too many things at once

it courses through my veins when i hold my lover close

can't you see it?

the thick, dark, sappy substance that coats my clothes, my body, my bed

my spot on the couch, my chair at work

the front seat of your car

my love is everywhere.

it's on your skin, your clothes

your hair, your neck.

in your mouth, on your tongue.

it's splatter on the walls of that room, our room.

it coats your hands like the blood you spilled when you took your knife

and you took your words and you killed me

my love is everywhere

even as i lay dying in that room

even as i call for you

even as i whisper your name to the still air

the still air that still tastes of you

fears of being a failure and some big words

i'm realizing that me consistently writing fifteen or more page essays throughout middle and high school like it was nothing is actually kinda crazy. why am i just realizing this now? because i've also realized i don't know how to write an essay anymore. i've almost completely forgotten how to do it. like, yes, i can slap some words onto a page and use fancy wording and an expansive vocabulary to feign intelligence because i'm afraid of being perceived as a fool, but i don't think i could write something about a real thing with real research and intelligence behind it anymore. and i want so badly to write something of substance, because i have so many ideas. i used to have a whole list of topics i wanted to write about. but now all my dreams i had are covered in dust at the back of the closet of my mind. what makes it worse is that i was once applauded for my writing. i was the one that everyone came to for assistance. fellow students, teachers, my own family. and now i feel like a failure. am i the only one who feels this way?

sorry to get... weird. i've just been staring at an empty google doc for hours trying to find some place to start my essay. props to all of you who write essays like they're nothing; i applaud you and am kind of envious.

the library gods won't let me read, so i might write a fruity essay

 my libby is being difficult again and i'm losing my mind rn. all i wanted to do was listen to my audiobooks, but NOO it needs me to verify my card, which is fine, but it WON'T TAKE MY VERIFICATION.

also, i watched forbidden fruits last night and lowkey it made me want to write an essay about it so i might give it a shot. MAYBE. i haven't written an essay in almost five years... i quite literally had to google "how to write an essay" last night (although it was around two in the morning when i decided to write the essay...) who knows, maybe i will, maybe i won't.

take me back to skips music shop i beg

 hello, lovelies!

well, i've talked about some of my favourite movies and books, so i think it's only fitting that i complete the trifecta and talk about some of my favourite songs. or albums. i don't know, i'll decide in the car.

i listen to a lot of music as it is, but these few songs are ones that i listen to a lot, sometimes for hours on end because i'm crazy and want to have the lyrics burned into my bones. is that unhinged to say? ANYWAYS onto me talking nonsensically for a few minutes.

october movie and tv show picks

 hello, lovelies!

i've seen some people do a little halloween movie calendar, and i wanted to give it a shot! although, i'm no good with editing images (the best i can do are the images of tracksuit rob in the criterion closet or barnes and noble, and that's because i made those in the pinterest collage editor). whenever i try, i feel like that "graphic design is my passion" image. 

anyways, i figured i'd do a list, sort of like those compilation articles that websites do that have titles like "TOP 30 BEST HORROR MOVIES TO WATCH FOR EVERY DAY IN OCTOBER!!!" except i'm not good at snappy one-liners or quick synopses... i just came across one on substack, actually! it's inspired me to do a little list of my own; y'all should go over to ballad of a whimsical girl and give her some love! anyways, on to the list, i suppose! 

there's a good mix of family friendly and not-so family friendly films, as well as some lizzy picks! also note that some of these may contain minor spoilers! readers beware, you're in for a scare (or whatever r.l. stine said in goosebumps)

🎃🎃🎃

oy, with the poodles already!

 hello, lovelies!

i've finished gilmore girls season two, and i have some THOUGHTS. some may be controversial, i have no idea. at the time of writing this, my resident gilmore girls expert (lizzy) has yet to get back to me. get your coffee and get cozy.

she must have been out of her head

i've decided that this october, i'll be doing a bit of an impromptu reading challenge: a short horror story a day. i already have twenty-eight stories in my beloved classic horror tales, so all i have to do is figure out three more. i've already read the yellow wallpaper by charlotte perkins gilman, which was a reread, and i think today i'll read the lottery by shirley jackson. that's one that i have to either find online or borrow from the library, though, so hopefully i can find it. otherwise, i'll have to pick one from my book, which is fine, but i've always wanted to read the lottery, since i never read it for school. and this challenge is on top of my regular tbr, but i think i should get through it okay; four of the books on my tbr are either not even or just above two hundred pages, and i am well known for knocking out four hundred page books in a few hours, soooo...

i like when it's dark out, october will cure me

 hello, lovelies!

with the arrival of october also comes my favourite time of the year: halloween. well, and my mother's birthday. but!! halloween... and my sister's engagement party. HALLOWEEN (and my grandmother's birthday party...) why are we suddenly just doing so many parties in october? as if this time of year wasn't busy enough. well, here's my october overview. get some pumpkin seeds, some apple cider, and get cozy while i yap about what i have going on this month!